“Stupid human” diaries: Jitter speaks

I have to say, summer in Kentucky has got to be the BEST thing ever.

I mean, there’s the grass…and the clover…and the rain…and did I mention the grass??? But Kentucky grass isn’t just any grass. Kentucky grass is Magical. All those extra sugars inspire a lot of brilliance and creativity.

Last summer, I found that the grass (and my pasturemates) provided me some great ideas of How to Evade the Stupid Human. I’ve long been a believer that if the Human is Stupid enough to let us loose in a 10 acre field with no halter, then they deserve whatever they get. Quite honestly, watching everyone else mindlessly trudge to the gate, swatting flies and complaining about all the work they’re going to have to do is really grotesque to me.

I applaud those among my fellow equines bold enough to go tearing across the field at the sight of their Human (away from the Human, I mean). But such a simple diversion is really a little uninspiring.

Therefore, I have come up with my own game plan that I’d like to share with the less brainy of my buddies:

  1. Always keep an eye out for the Stupid Human’s vehicle. The vehicle means nothing short of immediate capture. If you are able to do so out of direct sight of the vehicle, gradually move away from the gate. Do NOT look at the vehicle, or you will ruin the illusion that this is all coincidental grass hunting, preventing the Stupid Human from catching on to you.This is especially effective if you are positioned such that the Stupid Human can see you in your original, so-close-they-can-touch-you-from-the-fence state and you can make it all the way across the pasture while they go to the barn to fetch a leadrope, almost appearing to disappirate. Yes. I read Harry Potter. Shut up.
  2. When the Stupid Human enters the field, do not acknowledge the noise of the gate, grain bucket, or any squealing, whistling, calling, begging, pleading of the Human. This furthers the impression that you are deaf, and cannot possibly be expected to respond. Or work.
  3. When the Stupid Human gives up calling and begins walking toward you, lumber off in the opposite direction. Pause long enough for the Human to get within three feet of your shoulder, then walk casually away. This makes the human think that they have approached you in front of your tipping point, and that this is all (still) a misunderstanding.
  4. When the Stupid Human, if they have studied that “unnatural horsemanship” weirdness, tries to approach you from the front, proceed to turn away and offer them your butt, but turn only as quickly as they walk toward you. If you are very clever about this, you may give the Human the impression they are failing to actually move.
  5. As the human grows more persistent, allow them to get closer. If they get too close you will have to trot (yes, I know, tragic) away to get an appropriate distance before allowing them to try again.
  6. Now that you have created a slow boil in  your human’s little brain, it’s time to have a lot of fun. After several reps of #5, take off at a breakneck speed toward  your buddies and drive them into a blind gallop. If you can aim some of the low friends on the totem pole at the human, all the better. Ideally you should arrange this with them over breakfast, but if not just nip a few butts and you’ll get the same result.

Repeat steps 3-6 as needed.

There are several benefits to this system for you: more grass, less work, more fun. Did I mention more grass? But really this is your selfless act of the week for your Stupid Human. I believe it’s a valuable experience for them.

  • They get great aerobic exercise–which, let’s face it, their lazy butts could really use
  • They improve their sense of movement in relation to (somewhat) still objects–a great bonus for jumpers
  • They get anger management training
  • They sweat out that awful hairstyle, which really didn’t look that good anyway
  • They learn humility. Particularly if their parents or friends have chosen today to come to the barn

It’s a hard life, being the keeper of a Stupid Human. But in the end we can’t help but love them. Which is obviously why we add a little head toss and buck into the equation. Ahem.

Stay tuned for more how-to guides on dealing with your Stupid Human!

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